Quick fact about me:
I have struggled and am still struggling with anxiety & depression. Over this past year & a half, I have overcome many of the obstacles thrown at me by my illness, Praise the Lord. But I still feel the heaviness of some of the weights I haven’t pushed off my shoulders yet.
I’m not sure if this is the same for all who have dealt with anxiety, but I have found that some of the smallest things are what still break me down.
Today, I looked at a shirt & immediately felt a panic come over me, & an anxiety attack began to erupt…. because of a shirt?
When in the lowest of my lows, or in situations that make me feel low, my anxious mind responds. It overthinks, it takes note of every detail. It’s my enemy. My mind starts associating objects with my discomfort.
When I pass my old highschool. – Anxiousness. That was the place I struggled with staying on my feet when my illness hit. That’s the place I was made fun of. That’s the place I continued to push myself past my limits when my mind and body couldn’t take anymore.
When I see my room. – Anxiousness. That was the place I got into an argument with my parent. That was the place I was stuck in for months, sick.
When I smell that scent – Anxiousness. That’s the smell of an old friend’s house that I no longer speak to anymore. That did me wrong.
When I see that shirt – Anxiousness. That was the shirt I was wearing when that guy told me he didn’t want to be with me. That’s the shirt I drove home in feeling like I wasn’t good enough.
When I see myself………….. man. What all can my mind associate my own face with?
Rejection, failure, not as smart as everyone else, sinner, hypocrite, don’t have a future, ugly, or maybe just not quite good enough, doesn’t look as pretty as the next girl, boring, strange, different than everyone else…..
Hm. Different than everyone else….
My mind picks out the tiniest of details and makes me remember.
But, today I looked at a tree, and thought, “Wow, God.” And then I looked at the sky, and thought, “Wow, God.” Then I smelled the air and thought, “Wow… God.” Next I looked at the person standing next to me and thought, “God… God made all of this.” And lastly I looked at myself.
God…. is everywhere. So why don’t I start reminding myself to associate all things.. with God.
School. God was there and took me away from what was my limit at the time.
My room. God was there next to me through anger, loneliness & illness.
That stupid shirt & that stupid memory associated with it. God was there looking down on His daughter in awe of the beauty He sees in me.
Now, what else.
My house, my bed, my clothes, my phone, my food, my water, my body, my eyes, my voice, down to the the air in my lungs. All, from God. So why do I not associate objects… or ALL things, with God?
Well I do, but my mind doesn’t always think of that first. I think God continues to allow my anxiety to let me down, so that He can over and over again pick me up. So that He can stay active. He isn’t a one show type of God. He’s an active God. He’s a consistent God.
Lord I pray, continue to remind me, when my mind goes astray… that whatever is causing me anxiousness, loneliness, despair… also shows You. All that You have done for me. All that You are doing for me. All that You WILL do for me. There is no need for anxiety.
Why is my mind sitting here, worried about an object, when the God of the universe is in control.
A God that can defeat death Himself, a God that created the Earth, a God that created the Universe…. is on my side…. but I’m worried about my silly little problems?
I mean I literally just began laughing at myself, for worrying about that shirt when a God who can do literally ANYTHING AND ALL THINGS has promised me His love.
Start associating, objects… actually anything with God, and nothing else. Nothing else deserves His credit.
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